


Waiting

by Kaori_Nagisa



Series: The Prophet and the Virgin Mary [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 20:16:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5798518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaori_Nagisa/pseuds/Kaori_Nagisa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nova can't seem to get Saren out of her mind, and it's made all the worse by her inability to contact him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> Note edit: Fixed some italic issues >> Hopefully it reads better now for the messaging portion. Archive is still weird to work with, urg!

Nova sighed as she ran her hands through her hair, soaked to the bone under the unrelenting heat of the shower. 

The aches were finally gone, after nearly a week. Her inner thighs were still raw, but daily application of lotion with some supplemental medi-gel had healed them immensely since that day. It no longer burned to be under the hot water, dealing with a torturous pain just to clean herself. And with her body fully mobile again, she could more quickly do so, returning back to her regular routine. 

As she stood under the showerhead, her thoughts inevitably fell back to what she had experienced only a few days ago. The event seemed seared into her mind, despite how drunk she had been at the time. Perhaps that could be attributed to how sobering the initial pain was upon Saren penetrating her, she had no real way of knowing. As it stood, Nova still wasn’t quite decided on whether she was _happy_ to remember the events of that night or not. Certain parts of it still brought a flush to her cheeks, made her body react in such a way that she had constantly worried about Tanya and Malia noticing her aroused state when she zoned out into her own little world. Other parts, however… Saren’s coldness replayed in her mind, when he had been about to walk out on her without a second thought. Nova kept wondering if she should have let him.

Her gaze wandered outside the glass shower, towards the counter where her omni-tool lay prone, flashing at a precise interval of one minute. She had yet to contact him since reading the message he’d sent that night, after leaving her alone in this very spot. 

_Tell no one of what transpired between us._  
_This is as much for your safety as it is for my own reputation._  
_There are many enemies of mine who would gladly hurt you simply from believing they could get to me. While what happened between us was a mistake that I am loathe to brood upon, I do not wish for your untimely death on my conscience._

He was kind. Even as he’d struggled to treat her like an inferior, act as if he was disgusted with himself for having ever touched her simply due to her species, Nova felt his odd compassion even so. It was endearing, and kept bringing up the odd familiarity of his talons running through her hair. Almost unconsciously, her own fingers brushed along the same path his had. Every time she recalled that particular moment of tenderness, her chest seemed to tighten until she could barely breathe. 

As she finished up and stepped out of the heated interior of the glass into the open air of the small bathroom, Nova kept eyeing her omni-tool. She wondered if she should keep waiting, for that was exactly what she was doing - _waiting_. It was foolishly naive of her, she realized, yet some part of her couldn’t help hoping Saren would be the first to establish further contact. A likely product of her childish ideals of her first time being special - of it meaning something to both her and her partner. Even with Saren having quickly shot down that hope, she hadn’t been able to bring herself to message him over the past few days. Not for lack of wanting to, of course.

For all she knew any message sent wouldn’t even go through. He could have blocked her already, just to avoid further contact. Even if he hadn’t, there was always the chance he had changed his ID just so she couldn’t reach him. It wasn’t entirely paranoid to think that, either - at least she thought so, what with him being a Spectre. But she’d also quickly realized it was more her own personal fears, rather than any likelihood.

As she wrapped a towel about herself and went to pick up the device, Nova’s hand wavered over the tool’s surface. She’d always been told not to let her fears or misgivings hold her back from accomplishing things she knew she could do, things that came naturally to her. It had been a widely-repeated statement by many of her teachers and trainers, particularly when it came to her biotic ability. She thought she’d gotten to the point where she could easily follow the advice. 

But as her hand grasped around the device and she pointedly ignored it as she walked out of the bathroom, Nova knew the words hadn’t hit quite hard enough to prepare her for something like this.

 

After the night at Chora’s, the group seemed content with just hanging out together and doing all manner of activities on the Citadel. Some of the guys still went back to Chora’s at night, but for the most part, all of the graduating class stuck together, or at least kept to a gathering of one or two others. The latest obsession for them was Flux, a much more reputable nightclub that played host to a copious amount of quasar stations. A few of the girls loved the things, but Nova was content to sit near one of the large windows and look out on the arms of the Citadel spreading into the nebula. Even when Tanya would come over now and then, insisting she should dance, Nova declined with a smile and a shake of her head, nursing her carbonated drink.

“You haven’t touched a single spot of booze ever since we got back from Chora’s. What’s up with you, Nova?” Malia asked, having come over to wind down from all her own dancing. As if driving the question home, she’d ordered one of those pink asari cocktails Nova enjoyed so much. 

“After the killer headache I got that night and the subsequent hangover from hell, I think I’m going to avoid alcohol for a while. Or at least while we’re here,” she responded, laughing her off. Malia didn’t seem quite so convinced - and honestly hadn’t been since they’d first woken her up back at the apartment that day. Her grey eyes focused in on her, scrutinizing her as she leaned with her chin in her palm. It was all Nova could do simply to give her another carefree smile.

“Nothing… happened to you that night in Chora’s, right?” 

“Nothing noteworthy.” She suddenly focused all her attention upon her drink, taking a long sip of it before continuing, “Why the sudden worry?”

It wasn’t sudden, actually. While Tanya had brushed the state Nova had been in off within a day, Malia had kept asking her more often if she was feeling okay. She’d always been able to pick up changes in her mood far easier, and even with Nova having constantly assured her of being fine, Malia hadn’t let up on it.

“I just remember asking about you, once we all finished, uh… doing stuff. One of the bartender girls said she’d saw you drinking with some turian most of the night, and another said she saw you leave with a turian - but I don’t know if the one she saw was the same as the one the first girl saw. Or if they were just messing with me, I _was_ still pretty hammered at the time…”

“O-Oh…” Nova felt stupid for not having taken into account the fact others in the bar had seen her with Saren. She hoped her expression didn’t give away how distressed she was over the realization, quickly thinking how to play that off as well. Maybe she should tell the truth, and just omit details? What exactly had Saren meant when he’d said not to speak of what happened between them?

“Did you… y’know… Or did he, like, hurt you at all…?” Malia’s voice had dropped lower, becoming harder to hear over the music blasting within the club.

No getting out of it or pretending the bartenders were wrong. Nova decided to be as truthful as she could allow herself to be. “Ah, n-no, he was just… well, there were some older guys who started bothering me, and.. h-he just helped me, is all. He scared the creeps off and told me to stick close for a while j-just in case they, well.. came back, or something. So we just drank together for a while..”

“Mhmm~...” Nova wasn’t quite sure she liked the grin spreading over Malia’s face. 

“He, um. I mean, we were… or well, I was really smashed and he said he didn’t feel right letting me, y’know.. go home alone in that state, after what had happened. So he g-gave me a lift back to the apartment and… um, left.”

The grin disappeared slightly, and the other girl made a disappointed sound, slumping against the table and fixing her with an incredulous look. 

“So wait, you didn’t even _try_ to get it on with him? I mean, hell, I know you’re shy, Nova - but come on, that was a perfect opportunity to get some!” 

“I-I didn’t w-want to ‘get some’, I just wanted to go home…” 

“Lame. Guess you’re holding on to that v-card all through military training at this point, huh?”

Oh how wrong she was. Nova really hoped none of her deception was apparent on her face. Even while she doubted there could be any serious harm from telling her closest friends about what had really happened a few nights ago, Nova didn’t want to betray Saren’s trust. She had never responded to him promising she’d keep quiet, but the decision had been made within her own mind, and she couldn’t spurn the kindness Saren had shown her by spouting off their intimate encounter to everyone in sight. So she simply smiled, feeling a flush over her cheeks as she tried to laugh the conversation off.

“You know me; I want to wait for that special someone. I don’t see that changing any time soon.”

The presence of the omni-tool in her pocket became a painful reminder. She was sure had the music in the club not been so loud, Malia would have easily been able to pick up the hollow ring to her words, how untrue they sounded on her lips. Even though it wasn’t exactly a lie, it was still something she could no longer hold out hope for. Her fingers tightened around her glass, and she turned away from the other girl to continue staring out at the Citadel. Nova wondered if this was how all of them had felt after their first times; the odd emptiness she held, the way everything seemed to shine a bit less brilliantly, the odd ache she felt - like she was missing an important part of her. She hoped they hadn’t - maybe this was just because of how she’d always viewed sex. 

They sat in silence for a time after, Malia making no further inquiries into Nova’s activities that night, and Nova being content to finish off her drink without interruption. Soon her friend was up again, sauntering over to the dance floor to join Tanya and some of the other girls having fun. Part of her wanted to go too, but Nova didn’t feel much like dancing. Her mind kept wandering too much for that. 

 

She was glad there were three bedrooms to the apartment Tanya had rented them. It allowed Nova to lay around in bed, being as pitiful of a mess as she liked - constantly staring at her omni-tool but unwilling to touch the device as if it would burn her. She felt like a child, in all honesty, but everything seemed harder to focus on since that night, and this was about all she wanted to do anymore. It was a better alternative than ruining everyone else’s good time with her inactivity. She had never been as big of a partier as her friends, though, so she knew they wouldn’t blame her if she did keep sitting out on dances or gatherings - but it still made her feel guilty. 

Nova wished it was easier for her to make a decision. She’d become a lot better at choosing what she would do and following through, regardless of consequences, in recent years - but the ability seemed to have completely abandoned her after that night, and she couldn’t even figure out why. Why was she so particularly hung up about this? She’d always known her first time likely wouldn’t be as special or magical as she’d kept making it out to be in her head; Nova would have been a fool to actually believe those sugar-coated lies she told herself. There was still lingering disappointment, of course, but why was it this bad for her? Was it because of how unprepared she had been for the event? 

She recalled the uneasiness and self-doubt that had constantly crept into her mind while Saren had been stripping her. Despite being told for years by her friends and other girls, even by some of the guys, that she had a nice body and was attractive, any confidence she’d had in herself had come crashing down the moment Saren laid her out for him, exposed completely to his cold eyes. Had he felt anything at that moment? Had he thought her beautiful, or disgusting? She knew turians - as well as many other species - found asari physically attractive despite the vast differences between them and most others within the galaxy, but did humans hold any of the same appeal? Perhaps Saren’s words throughout the night about despising her entire species had made her more self-conscious than if he’d said nothing, but Nova still wondered just what he had thought at the time - if it had at all matched up to the way she’d felt when he began stripping out of his armor.

Rolling onto her back, Nova stared up at the ceiling as she recalled the strange shape and texture of Saren’s body. He had neglected to become equally as naked as she, but what he had removed had given her such an intimate look at turian physiology - so different to see up close than it was from reading a textbook or viewing pictures on the extranet. His skin was leathery underneath the harder carapace that encircled much of his chest and spread over his shoulders, but she’d seen muscles tightening below the surface, felt the raw power underneath as he’d pressed her down. Even with the state she had been in, from both the alcohol and his penetration, Nova could still remember how beautiful the sight was to her. It was so different, so… unlike anything she had ever seen before. So amazingly _alien_.

The odd ache resurfaced, and Nova shifted uncomfortably. Along with it, the memory of how familiar Saren’s presence felt pushed into her thoughts. She couldn’t help wondering if that was why he seemed to be on her mind so often even with no further contact between them. 

Gazing again at her omni-tool, Nova debated on the cons of trying to send a message to him. He’d seemingly offered the option, provided she didn’t spam him at all hours of the day… but that did little to help her figure out how to start. What to say. He didn’t want to hear anything about their night together, she knew, and he also didn’t want any dumb prattling from her - not that she thought she could prattle, but Nova had to keep reminding herself she was still a teenager despite having graduated earlier than the others. That fact was a bit painful to remember, given how much older Saren seemed. He’d neglected to tell her his own age, but she got the distinct feeling he was remorseful over having taken her virginity when she wasn’t even an adult yet - did turians even have the same view of an older person having sex with a younger one? She knew with her own species, it was a big taboo. 

It was no wonder he didn’t want to acknowledge what happened between them. So many of his morals must have been overstepped that night. They’d both been too drunk to be making decisions like that. 

How could she even bring herself to try contacting him again, having that hanging over her head? She’d been selfish to ask it of Saren.

Nova sighed, grabbing the device and activating it, letting the dull orange glow wash over her in the darkened bedroom. Holographic technology at least had the perks of allowing her to remain where she was, veritably sulking her emotions out. She wasn’t entirely sure what she was going to do, but as she navigated to her messages and stared at the last thing he’d sent, Nova felt like she had to do _something_. Moping around over a single bad night wasn’t like her, even despite the circumstances. It hadn’t even been a _bad_ night, really - in fact, it had been one of the best nights of her life. She shouldn’t let the aftermath spoil the feeling, and wasn’t content with letting her shyness stop her from at least doing something.

… Perhaps she would do something later, though. Almost guiltily closing her inbox, Nova was about to navigate onto the extranet when a ping went off. 

She almost dropped her omni-tool in surprise. Saren’s ID was displayed prominently in her mail, almost frightening her by its presence.

_I’ve not heard from you._  
_Are you still in pain? I can only assume you have been applying medi-gel daily to the worst of it. I hope you have been. I still feel a small measure of remorse for having harmed you, consider this my way of assuring your mental and physical wellbeing._  
_I would appreciate a response._

Nova really did drop the device this time, the holo-display still remaining in place even so as she grabbed the other pillow off the bed and pressed it to her face. She wasn’t even sure what she was feeling, but the swell in her chest and the smile that seemed to pull at her lips couldn’t be denied, and her embarrassment came in waves because of it as she all but squealed into the soft material. Her fears up until now felt almost pathetic, completely baseless and serving only to do the exact opposite of what she’d wanted. It took her a few moments of awkward half-flails before her composure returned and she sat up in bed. 

As she took the device in hand once more and realigned the holo, though, Nova’s fingers paused over the keyboard. Rereading the message allowed her eyes to go over some choice words, particularly “remorse” and “response”. The uplifted feeling that had risen seemed to sputter slightly, as a measure of guilt passed over her. Part of her was happy that Saren was thinking of her, enough so to be remembering their night together and worrying for her - but it was hard to ignore the negative implication. She remembered the way he’d sighed at himself, the way he’d raked a hand over his face like you’d see old military figures do when suffering great losses. Nova bit her lip as she recalled his profile that morning. 

She didn’t want to keep making him feel terrible for what happened. She blamed him for nothing, not even the still-raw skin between her legs or the lies she was having to tell others. 

Even as she finally began typing out a reply, she worried whether he would believe her if she said she was fine. Even though the pain had long subsided, and everything had healed over aside from her inner thighs, Nova wondered whether he could take simple words to heart. Ending her quick assurances of being perfectly healthy, she decided to try for what she would prefer:

_Can we do a vidcall? I think it’d be easier to show you I’m fine if we could see each other face to face, or as close as possible to it!_

It wasn’t entirely a lie. He was likely to have a far easier time believing her pain was completely gone if he could see her talking casually again. But more than anything, Nova wanted to hear his voice. The flush over her cheeks bothered her, and she quickly hit send, pushing the tool away from her for a moment as she curled back against the headboard. 

She needed to calm down. She needed to remind herself that nothing was going to come of what happened - Saren had made that abundantly clear, and would gladly remind her if she continued nursing the thought, she was sure. It shouldn’t have even been something to remind herself of, the fact that she wasn’t in love with him and barely even had what could be considered a crush. He was attractive, undeniably so, but all that had happened was a drunken night of sex between two strangers. That was it. That was what she had to keep reminding herself of. The most she could hope for right now was simply being able to be his friend, if even that. 

She got a response quicker than expected, forcing herself not to lunge for her omni-tool in order to open it. It was better she hadn’t, anyway. His message made her chest ache. 

_I’m not in a position to take vidcalls right now, and I do not need one._

_I believe you when you say you are recovering with no issues. Continue to apply medi-gel and any other medicative items you feel are necessary, so that there are no scars left behind. I believe your species does not find blemishes on a female’s skin particularly attractive._

_While I cannot take a call, you may still contact me this way, should you need any further advice on taking care of yourself. Once this assignment is over, however, I would not be opposed to setting up a specific time for a vidcall - if you really must insist on one._

It was a no, but at least there was a promise of it sometime later. Nova didn’t bother brooding over her response this time, quickly replying. She understood, and was going to look forward to the day when she could speak to him again for real. Midway through the message, a smile broke out on her lips, curiosity getting the better of her as she inquired about his mission before finally sending it off. Upon receiving his response just a few moments later, the smile grew. Of course he wasn’t going to give her specifics. But somehow that was okay. All of his stories from Chora’s gave her enough of an idea to fantasize about what sort of amazing things he would get up to. 

She would be patient. If she at least wanted to become his friend, that would be a key virtue - and if she could exercise it with someone like Tanya, Nova felt like it would be even easier to do so with him.

_I’ll look forward to your next story, then. Good luck and stay safe, Saren._


End file.
